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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Beer, Sex, Beer, Pooping, Beer's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, March 19th, 2011
6:46 pm
You ever notice how, after you drink a lot, you lose a bunch of weight and get really handsome and sexy?
Tuesday, March 30th, 2010
6:25 pm
I was just picking my nose and got a hold of a longish nose hair, so I tried to yank it. No go, but ouch! Picked a little more and got a hold of the nose hair again and hung on like a champ and proceeded to pull with a vengeance. God DAMN! I pulled out a nice clump of nose hairs and now half of my nose feels this throbbing painful/numbness. I keep waiting for blood to gush out but it seems all good. What a fucking score! Yeehaw!

I heard, a long time ago, that in some Middle Eastern countries nose hair is sometimes burned out by a very skilled person who kind of blows a flame up your nose real quick. Seems like it would work. I have yet to attempt it though, as I am not a very skilled person.
Thursday, November 6th, 2008
6:52 pm
My balls! Zee Vicodin, zey do nothing!
Or was that the goggles? Anyway, it feels like I'm being alternatingly kicked in the sack, then someone is pulling on my nuts.

On the plus side, in just 18-24 ejaculations, I can be certified sterile.
Saturday, May 10th, 2008
11:27 pm
In the air tonight
I would just like to point out that all my meals today have involved either refried beans or White Castles.

You'd know what I mean if you were here on my couch. Or were actually my couch.

Just sayin'.
Friday, December 28th, 2007
5:10 pm
I just wanted to remind you men of an excellent site I peruse daily: Kindgirls

Also, a new find for me: If you gotta spank it and are short on new porn and your torrents are taking too long to download, you can always visit Spankwire, streaming porn, YouTube style.
Thursday, October 25th, 2007
12:46 pm

Thanks, Troy.
Friday, October 19th, 2007
2:52 pm
I think one of the things from Tremors just came out of my butt.
Thursday, October 18th, 2007
8:09 pm
God damn, what a fücking reek...
Ever notice how the last 50 feet of a desperate bathroom run are always the hardest?

That "minimum safe distance" is substantially reduced when one is taking a diuretic for high blood pressure, as I found out painfully last Sunday, arriving home after a long commute in weekend beach traffic.

The problem is, I threw the resulting piss-soaked jeans onto the laundry pile and promptly forgot about them. Until this afternoon, that is, when I walked into my bedroom and was practically smacked in the face by the ammonia stink. The worst was digging through a week's worth of dirty laundry trying to find the offending item.

Thankfully, it's too cold for flies.

Current Mood: annoyed
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
12:28 am
Just a warning: six turkey dogs and three beers in honor of the Home Run Derby ends up smelling like you actually set six turkeys on fire in an enclosed room. Lordy.
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
9:01 pm
I'm watching "DodgeBall" with the captions on. Patches O'Houlihan just said he loves 'the smell of queef in the morning.' Is that the correct spelling? I always assumed the term to be of French derivation, and so spelled more like quiffe, or something like that.
Sunday, May 20th, 2007
2:22 pm
That figures
After I've spent an hour cleaning the bathroom, that's when I have to take what I suspect will be the world's nastiest shit.

(note to self: bring matches and candle along with this month's SciAm...)

Current Mood: annoyed
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
11:39 pm
Few sensations in this world are as satifying as heartily scratching your balls after smoking a bowl of fine weed.

Damn few...

Current Mood: satisfied
Sunday, November 5th, 2006
11:47 pm
Am still coughing up flem something rotten. Its great. Especially when I cough up a really hard piece thats been drying in my throat for a while. I know that its a symptom of something and I should break my 10 year hiatus and go see a doctor, but throat snot on demand is so fun.

Also, I'm allergic to my shampoo and am sneezing like mad. Its great. Each sneeze is like a mini orgasm.
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
11:24 pm
Hope I'm not dying
I've been coughing up phlem something rotten lately. Shouldn't complain, its more fun to play with the snot and leaves a better smell on your fingers, I'm just wondering if its a symptom of something serious.

Ah well.
Friday, August 25th, 2006
2:11 pm
Pro and con
I've worn no underwear today.

Pro: Yay commando!
Con: I'm going to have to wash these jeans twice.

Current Mood: cheerful
Friday, August 18th, 2006
8:45 pm
A thought
You know your gas is bad when the ancient cat who was previously crashed out on your lap gives you a dirty look and stalks away.

Sorry, did I say "bad"? I meant "good".

(ps to Knack: consider it payback for all the times you farted on me when you were a kitten.)
Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
1:43 pm
Why one shouldn't eat Mexican before a Judo match...

That he keeps going and wins the match makes it all the more hilarious.

(also posted to alt_tasteless)

Current Mood: amused
Thursday, August 10th, 2006
3:08 am
I just finished eating 3 plain slices of american cheese, and washed it down with a glass of lemonade.
Monday, June 12th, 2006
12:40 pm
If there's any feeling in the world more relieving and satisfying than taking a giant dump after a gluttonous weekend of barbecue, I can't imagine what it might be.

Current Mood: about 5# lighter, thanks
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
10:14 pm
What is it with guys lately?
This past week, I have had to:
1. Tell 2 guys to zip up their flies
2. Tell 2 guys (including my own partner) to stop picking their noses
3. Remind one guy to go to the bathroom before he pissed himself

Grow the fuck up, guys! I am not your mother.

Jesus Fücking Christ.
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